piano again.

once again, i am filled with anger as i practice my piano. and no, its not because of my piano teacher because shes awesome.

i cant sit longer than 20 minutes in front of the piano. i cant sit still and seriously play anymore. i cant play anything without trying to speed through it because i know i have tons of other stuff to do (blogging takes me 5 minutes tops, cause i type fast, so it doesnt count as interrupting me. plus it makes me more productive cause all my anger's released). and, sitting in front of the piano, all i can think of is the time im wasting, how im never going to ever improve, and how me playing is all for a lost cause anyways.

the only reason is still play is because my parents want me to "finish all the levels and get it over with". yeah, well mom, dad, its a lot harder than you think! like the other lesson my piano teacher basically listed out everything id need to do just to pass it. well guess what, i cant cover all of that. sure i can do three songs, probably not well. i honestly am not a talented pianist. i dont do emotions and details in my music. i dont move my body like a crazy person like some pianists ive watched do, unless a bug is flying around me. i dont play dynamics cause it makes me blush (makes me seem good and idk... i dont want that. i dont ever want to hear that i actually play well). scales. bleh. i hate em. i work on one area, then id move to the next, and id forget everything that i just learned. so basically im never going to get through them. and theres lots of parts to it too. last week my piano teacher said that scales basically tell you how much effort you put into it. i was horrible at them, so thats OBVIOUSLY telling you something. then theres aural. when she asked me to list them out i couldnt even do it. and i honestly have to remember all this pointless stuff im probably never going to use in my future life. i have to sing (i have no confidence in my singing abilities) i have to identify chords (wtf. how do you do that?). i have to analyze music (that part i get, but honestly, i have to use specific terms. its like studying for a whole new vocab test. but this time theres like a ton of words). then lastly theres sight reading, which im bad at it cant be helped.

so all that crap, and what i wrote up there is probably just the half of it. and my parents say finish this level is going to be easy peasy and that i should do it asap. its like fine, if you want me to fail. im ok with that anyways, at this point. anyways, another thing is that i have to play an exam song for a recital (bleh!). and so basically i have to memorize it. but guess what! because i only play like 20 minutes tops and hardly even 2 practices a week, how do you expect me to memorize it? plus i speed play. one i need to play faster anyways, two i want to get it over with, three im not really getting anything done.

honestly, even if i tried, id see results sooner from swimming than i would from piano. ill never be a pianist, i dont aspire to be a pianist. why am i even bothering?

well fine, piano is alright. i like playing different songs just for fun, if i ever get the chance to. like thats what it started out as. now i just play three stinkin songs once a practice and ive been doing this for like the past five months. and i still wonder why im not having ANY fun?

gah. let me quit, or let me play the way i want to play it. im just gonna keep gettin angry when i play, and its been like this since forever.